(upbeat rock music)
(ominous music)
Now, my name is Wei Choi.
I need money for food today,
so you're my last resort, I hope you don't mind.
Please don't come back and haunt me.
Just stay asleep and pretend that nothing's happening.
Nothing there.
Damn it.
Nothing at all.
Not a damn thing.
Goddammit to hell, it's just like me.
Trust me to pick a poor one.
Ahhh!
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Oh no, no!
No!
Oh no please, please!
No!
Ahhh!
(wolf howls)
Ghost catchers?
Open he door, open up!
What is it?
A ghost is chasing me!
Oh, you've come to the right place, we'll fix that.
If you got the money, we can fix anything.
Okay, money's no problem, just stop this damn ghost!
Of course we will, didn't you see our
sign up there, we're the best ghost catchers.
Where is it?
In the coffin.
Where's that?
It's behind me!
- You go to hell. - You go to hell.
Open up, open the door, please!
(dramatic sting)
Oh please open the door!
[Tai-Fa] What now?
Good God, can't you knock first?
Huh?
Ahhh!
What's going on here?
Ah, it's you again, you bastard.
Bastard, you break down my door
and next you're gonna tear down my sign.
That was an accident, you saw
it, it was this old stiff here.
Why don't you admit it like a man?
You just stop playing games with me,
I know all your damn tricks with a dry old fish!
(Mumbles) ..., we're just like brothers!
You go to hell!
(Mumbles) ..., we have many years at school together!
Who needs a schoolmate like you?
Huh?
Old goat!
Get back!
You've got your old tricks, I've got mine too.
Get back on.
[Chin] You're out of line treating
an elder brother like this.
[Wu] What kind of brother are you
to wake me up at such an uncivilized hour?
You drive a coffin into my house and knock down my door.
[Chin] It's not my fault, anyway, I put a
spell on that old stiff, he'll go back home.
[Wu] It was me, I put the spell on him!
That's enough, now stop arguing!
The hoodlum's disappeared.
You must try to get along!
- Huh! - Huh!
Huh!
(rooster crows)
(whimsical flute music)
Tai-Fa.
Coming teacher!
Just look at you, you silly old... (mumbles).
You're just jealous 'cause you're ugly.
You think you're pretty?
Tai-Fa, what appointments have we got today?
We're meeting Uncle Cao today.
I'm seeing him as well.
Let's go.
Right.
And me too.
Humph.
(dramatic synthesizer music)
[Chin] How damn, this will be no fun.
Why are you so late, masters?
Sorry.
[Henchman] The boss has been waiting for you.
Follow me.
Boss, they're both here.
Master Chin the ghost catcher, he is...
I'm Priest Wu, he's got a bigger
sign, but an outfield front doesn't matter,
it's whether or not you can do the job.
What's wrong with you?
Don't you have any common sense in your head?
What's wrong?
You can't put a dead man on
a high pillow or anyone who looks
into his eyes, well they'll be cursed.
They'll have bad luck for the rest of their lives.
[Henchman] Huh, really?
Tai-Fa.
It's true, a low pillow is better,
but there are many types of pillows.
This is for poor people.
But this one is for rich people.
Place a copper in its mouth, or when he
goes to Hell, he might gabble all your
business, that's terrible luck for the living.
You're quite right, but coppers are for the poor.
But for respected men like the boss,
you need something special, something like this.
Tai-Fa.
A jade studded coin from the Tang Dynasty.
Only I have them.
This one you can keep for your bus fare.
Only the living want face, the
dead don't care about that at all.
A low pillow is not safe either.
Now look at him, his eyes are staring up,
he's looking at the beams and that could jinx the
house too which may cause the house to fall down.
Oh?
Now you need to take a white cloth to cover up his face.
That's correct, the living want face,
so respect the dead, but it's terrible
of you to use such an old... (mumbles).
Now this is a nice one.
(Nervous laugh) Hey boss, I'm very
straightforward, so allow me to speak frankly.
Hmmm?
Now let me tell you what I think.
This old stiff has a nasty look about him.
He must have been a real bastard before he died.
Look.
Bet you haven't seen that.
Stop telling his life story,
the man's dead, watch your mouth.
Hey boss, I'll tell you very very honestly,
this old stiff must be dealt with carefully,
otherwise he might sit up again.
Huh?
Believe me, his mustache is
green, I'll shave it and you'll see.
It'll be too ugly to shave it off.
Besides, his friends won't recognize
him when he gets down to the Netherworld.
Hey, let me tell you very very honestly...
(dramatic synthesizer music)
You're both very tricky.
Maybe you can fool others, but you
can never fool a smart man like me.
You should know very well who I am.
Money, I've got plenty, but I had only one brother.
He was the dearest thing in my life, so I want
him to be buried properly, back in our home village.
You take care of this, or you've got me to deal with.
And I tell you very very honestly,
I've decided to give this job to Master Chin.
Hey boss, don't you worry, I guarantee
with my head I'll get your brother
home, he's in good hands, he will arrive
in one piece, I will lay him to rest.
Good.
In that case, we better sign a contract.
Oh sure.
Uncle.
Hey, don't say anything.
He's beaten me this time.
I'll tell you very honestly,
it doesn't pay to be honest in business.
Well we'll see.
You want 49 nails?
And all in one line?
That's some order.
Isn't it too much?
Get over it, it's necessary.
Teacher, now tell me honestly.
Was uncle bluffing or not?
If he knew how to bluff he'd have been a rich man by now.
Anyway, this business isn't that easy.
I have checked, this old stiff
was born on a yin day of a yin month.
While alive he did many terrible
things and he died a terrible death.
How did he die?
Bitten by a mad dog, didn't
you see the wound on his stomach?
(dramatic sting)
Don't be so nervous.
His big brother may be a powerful
man, but I'm not scared of him.
What worries me is your uncle,
he might sabotage us on the way.
He won't.
Tai-Fa, forgotten anything?
Your spells, the chicken blood,
and your sword, I put it all in the chest.
Then let's go.
All right.
Ho, hey!
(dramatic synthesizer music)
[Chin] Today is a yin day of a yin month.
The yin hour approaches, look at the moon.
It's bright.
[Chin] If it shines on the
corpse tonight he may resurrect.
[Tai-Fa] Oh come on, it's not
that easy, it's not magic.
[Chin] You know, a resurrection can be
easy, a corpse can rest after it's buried.
It may die a bad death and then all
the rites are not performed properly,
then he'll come back and cause trouble.
You remember this for your future
reference, a corpse can become a vampire.
But it's still a corpse.
A normal corpse is still, but a moving corpse bounces.
Just remember, a vampire is different.
[Tai-Fa] Come on, how is it different?
A vampire's very powerful.
He can strangle you!
That's why I told you to nail
49 nails into the coffin tightly.
Tightly, eh?
It's almost the yin hour, let's get going.
Hey, let me drive.
Ha!
[Wu] Come on now, absorb the moonlight.
That's it, absorb it, absorb, absorb!
Come on!
[Chin] Get up there!
Whoa, huh?
Whoa, whoa.
Huh?
Teacher, what happened?
Are you blind boy, can't you see?
His mustache is gone, must be your uncle.
Let's get him over there now.
We'll be in trouble when the yin hour comes.
Right.
Come on.
(wolf howls)
(dramatic orchestral music)
The moon's facing west.
Tai-Fa, the sword.
Oh.
Here.
Right.
The sword strikes you down!
The fire will keep you in place!
Teacher, what is this?
I've never seen it before.
Listen now, boy.
I scanned this whole area.
This ground has been exposed to
the sun for at least eight hours.
There's a high yang element, and after
my ritual with the fire and the sword
we can leave the corpse without any worries.
Ah, teacher, you're great!
Not only can you fool the living,
you can fool a vampire too, so we
can put our minds at rest now.
Put your minds at rest?
With your uncle around you can't relax, my boy.
Watch the stiff closely.
(wolf howls)
Huh, what's that noise?
Just a wolf.
On a full moon night, many animals do
become disturbed, just like your uncle.
But he's not an animal.
Chinese proverb says that animals
often come in human form.
He's getting smart.
This is a very fine evening.
The sky is clear and the stars are bright.
Luckily there's no thunderstorm.
If we had a thunderstorm...
What then?
(thunder booms)
What's happening?
It's nothing, it's nothing.
Just thunder.
Last time the damn ghost chased me all over.
I just hope I've got better luck this time.
(thunder booms)
(electricity surges)
Smells nice.
I must have hit a rich one.
Anyway, say my prayers.
(thunder booms)
(gasps)
A girl.
I can't.
The most important thing is to make money.
Come on.
(electricity surges)
(gasps)
(loud explosion)
(screaming)
(wacky xylophone music)
Tai-Fa!
I told you to watch it, didn't I tell you?
So your uncle wouldn't have a chance to get at it.
You can watch it.
Who's the teacher here?
At this time, we can't expose him
to the moonlight or he'll change.
[Wei] Help!
Huh?
Someone's shouting for help.
I'm not deaf.
Let me check.
Don't go, it's your uncle's trick to get you away.
He gives me too much credit.
Why didn't I think of that?
[Wei] Help!
Help!
Whoa!
Master, help me!
Help you?
I'll help you.
Teacher, it's that fellow again
and he's got a girl with him this time.
Don't you believe anything he says.
Last time he can here you had a lot
of trouble with uncle, now he's
here again, this time he could
cause a lot more trouble for us.
This is my chance.
(dramatic sting)
Help, help!
Get rid of her!
Teacher, don't believe him,
he's lying again, that girl's
not following him, ignore him!
(gasps)
You seduced her and now you're trying
to get rid of her, you damn waster!
No!
[Tai-Fa] No?
[Wei] She's not a lady!
Oh, so you get it from a brothel,
so I see, and now you won't pay her
and that's why she's after you, huh?
That's not the case, you're wrong!
I've seen a lot of people like you,
you're all the same, you're a waster!
[Wei] You're wrong, she's a corpse!
Ha, I I was a priest at five,
I saw my first corpse when I was
six years old, I learned all the
burial arrangements when I was
seven years old, teacher, he thinks
I don't know what a corpse looks like!
Shut up, stop!
Turn around, come here.
Stop!
Tell me very very honestly, where
the devil did you get that?
Huh?
[Wei] I...
[Chin] Speak up, boy!
Okay, sit down.
You see sir, I'm short of money right now.
And that's how I got into this mess.
It's true!
You're an idiot, you asked for this.
You shouldn't mess with things you know nothing about.
You're an idiot.
Tai-Fa, you listen to me.
[Tai-Fa] More rubbish.
When an innocent person dies they still have some breath.
This is called the yin breath.
When this mixes with a living man's
breath which is called yang...
I know, when the yin and the yang mix,
they blend together and make life
again and then the corpse resurrects.
That makes the corpse very lucky, teacher.
But it can only happen on the
yin hour of the yin day of the yin month
when there's a full moon and a thunderstorm.
(dramatic sting)
Right now you have her in you and you are in her.
When you move, she moves.
Where you go, she goes.
Teacher, so is she human?
Half and half.
What's that mean?
Half human, half corpse.
So what is she then, teacher?
A zombie.
(growling)
(dramatic sting)
Master, she'll follow me forever.
You've gotta help me, I beg you!
I beg you!
[Chin] There's nothing I can do.
Ahhh, vampire!
(whimpering)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Tai-Fa, my tools!
Bring me the sword!
Right!
It's broken!
What else you got?
Only this left.
Give it to me now!
Damn it!
Help me hold it!
Okay.
(growling)
Hold him still!
Hold him!
Wu Hing!
Come out now!
I know you're here!
Come out now!
You bastard, come out!
Where are you, come out now!
Wu Hing!
Teacher, you've got very good
lungs, you're pretty old, but you're strong.
Idiot, go fetch that stiff!
But how?
Go burn it!
Oh.
Come back!
What?
You do everything I tell you?
Don't you realize burning that old
stiff means I'm in trouble, if I'm in
trouble, it means you're in trouble as well.
Don't you know that we're both finished if we burn it?
You're right, we'd be finished.
Don't just stand there, give him a hand.
Okay.
We gotta get to town before dawn.
(clock ticking)
(Jazzy sneaking music)
Hey, follow me.
(clock bell rings)
This damn clock's half an hour fast.
[Chin] What, this clock's half an hour fast?
Yeah that's right.
Give me a royal suite.
We have no royal suites, only a presidential suite.
A standard room?
We have standard rooms, but no single rooms.
Give me a standard then.
20 bucks.
Your key.
- Pst, pst. - Name?
Toilet's over there.
(jazzy sneaking music)
Hmm?
Hey, hey, how many of you?
Just three.
Just three, there are five!
You can't count those two.
And what are they?
Luggage.
What, what, hey!
Quick.
They do look a bit like luggage.
They're some weirdos.
Don't just stand there dummies, go draw the drapes!
Hey, you climb up there.
Well bend down.
All right.
Hey, I can't hold you, I'm falling!
You, you damn bitch!
(laughing)
(upbeat synthesizer music)
Ah!
Ugh.
What, I smell bad?
It's your hair cream, it smells so strong.
Damn cheap.
I have to go out and buy some tools.
Listen, stay here and watch the stiff.
You keep an eye out for your uncle, you hear that?
Mmmhm.
(upbeat synthesizer music)
(dramatic sting)
(yawning)
Hey Miss, I'm going to the toilet.
You can't come in with me.
A happy couple can do everything together.
Go on, she doesn't mind.
Hey!
You've had years with that teacher,
you must have learned some magic.
There must be something you can do to stop her.
It can be done, but I can't do it.
You sure?
There is one way.
What is that?
No wonder teacher called you an idiot.
Now you're a strong man, can't you tie her up?
Hmmm.
(playful flute music)
Oh you bastard!
Hey, you finish so soon?
Not yet but I know what you want.
What?
(chuckling)
Go on, you can hold it.
Hey!
(chuckles)
Hey, are you okay?
I know, you're not that kind of a guy.
She's not that pretty.
You want pretty girls?
Just follow me.
I've got experience.
I know this hotel, know some real crackers here.
Wow, all the girls are so nice, the best I've ever seen.
A full blouse, a cheeky rear, a small waist,
a flat stomach, lovely almond eyes,
and a cut nose, mouth like a cherry,
and an oval face, and the way they walk.
They sway with rhythm.
Their skirts blow up, I wanna grab them.
(giggles)
Fantastic.
Huh?
Hey!
Are you listening to me or not?
I am, it's fantastic, so let's go find them!
What about her?
Her?
Well...
Ahhh!
(laughing)
Hey, so are you going or not?
Of course I am.
Wait for me at the door.
All right.
Hmm.
Eh?
How is it?
It's all fixed.
(upbeat orchestral music)
Hey, teacher told me not to leave the room.
Your teacher's busy, he won't be back so soon.
And my uncle might make trouble.
If he could get in here so easily,
your teacher wouldn't have chosen this place.
(laughing)
- Gentlemen. - Gentlemen.
Are the two of you intending to go to the bar?
Is this the wrong way?
No.
This is the right place, but sir, you better
not go in because there's a lord inside.
Hey, anyone is a lord when they're drunk,
if we were afraid we wouldn't be here, would we, huh?
Out of our way.
I'd like to meet a lord, I haven't seen one yet.
No, neither have I.
(laughing)
(jazzy saxophone music)
Hey look.
(Chuckles) So he's a lord.
Isn't my number nine wife beautiful?
- Yes. - Yes.
Do I deserve her?
Tell me!
Yes.
You're lying.
Remind me, why did she keep on refusing me?
And then she killed herself that night.
You are talking utter nonsense.
(gunshot)
Let's go.
[Marshal] Stop!
(gasps)
Well tell me.
Do I or not?
No sir.
What?
I'm very good looking, yet I don't deserve her!
How dare you look down on me!
(gunshot)
Why does no one ever wanna tell me the truth?
Come on.
[Marshal] Stop!
Who are you guys?
- We're just men. - We're just men.
Just men?
(laughing)
I'm found of young men.
Come here.
Come here!
Do you think he looks like a lord?
I guess so.
What do we do?
Go to him.
So I see you're both young fellas.
- Yes, my lord. - Yes, my lord.
I want you to drink.
Only drunken men will speak the truth.
You!
What do you like to drink?
Rice wine.
What's that?
(Mumbles)
(Laughs) I see you got a sense of humor.
You are here and you drink... (mumbles).
What about you?
(Mumbles).
[Marshal] What's that?
X&O!
X&O?
(laughs) What's so good about XO?
A decent man like me must drink whisky water.
- Whisky, what's that? - Whisky, what's that?
Whisky and water.
Open it.
(chuckles)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
You're really here.
Luckily they're all gone.
Oof!
Mustn't scare myself.
Oh, tools.
(dramatic sting)
Hey, my lord, I think the stupid woman asked for it.
She shouldn't have refused you,
you're such a good looking man.
And you're rich and powerful.
She was a fool.
If I were you, my lord...
I'd see that she didn't rest in peace.
I'd pull her out of her coffin.
Yeah, that's right.
Who said they'd do that to her?
- Not me. - Not me.
He's very drunk, he's talking rubbish.
She's a very beautiful woman.
He said she was beautiful.
Beautiful?
Would a man like him have a beauty?
Well he's got money.
Yeah, but so what?
Give me money, I'll prove you wrong!
Hey, let's not argue.
Very simple, let's have a look at a photo.
(gentle harp music)
Huh?
(dramatic sting)
I can now understand why you're so sad.
Let's mourn for the fate of our poor Marshal.
Come on, let's weep.
- That's right, we cry. - (sobbing)
Let it all out.
You'll feel better if you cry.
(playful orchestral music)
Come on, weep some more, weep.
Let me rub it better, that's right.
Right, let's go!
Hsi-Wan, no.
(ominous music)
(gagging)
(sneezes)
I can't stand that.
I got a response, you lucky chap,
you enjoy biting, don't you?
Now you can go and bite a man, sniff this.
(growling)
(laughs) You clever fellow, remember
the smell of this hair cream, bite anyone
with the smell of this hair cream, right?
That's all for now, I'll come back and see you tonight.
Oh!
(sighs)
She's the Marshal's concubine.
We're in trouble.
We gotta get out of here right away.
Get out?
That's right, let's go.
(powering down noise)
Hey, she collapsed!
[Wei] Huh?
(beeping sounds)
How did that happen?
How do I know?
Oh I know, she's half a corpse
so she can't stand the sun.
That means I'm free, excuse me.
Hey!
Wait 'till my teacher gets back, and what about her?
She's dead already.
I must report to my teacher, come on!
Well why have you stopped?
Well you stopped too.
[Unison] We can't leave her out there.
(upbeat marching music)
Hmm.
Sir, the Marshal's in the bar.
You, you, you, and you.
Report sir, your number nine
concubine's grave was found to be...
(muttering)
Sir, the Marshal's drunk.
What now?
Put him on the table.
Sir.
(glass shatters)
Marshal.
Marshal!
I'm Adjutant!
Marshal, Marshal, Marshal!
Your concubine's grave has been robbed, Marshal!
Sir, what do we do?
What to do?
Come.
[Soldiers] Huh?
Samurai.
(playful flute music)
[Soldiers] Sir, what do we do now?
(knocking)
Hey.
(knocking)
Hey!
Hey, ask who it is first.
We have to open it.
[Chin] It's me.
It's teacher.
- Ow! - Ow!
Is something wrong then?
No, nothing.
Tell him the truth, he's gonna find out sooner or later.
What's wrong with the stiff?
The stiff's all right, it's his half human corpse.
[Chin] What's going on?
Why is the whole army outside?
Tell me what happened to her.
You two must've made trouble.
I told you not to go out for any reason.
Why didn't you listen?
Good job we didn't or we wouldn't know her background.
That's right.
Background, what background?
(rhythmic drumming)
[Soldiers] Sir, we can't do this.
We must.
If we don't tell the Marshal about
what's happened to the grave, that the
body's been stolen, then we'll all be in trouble.
(upbeat synthesizer music)
(dramatic sting)
Your concubine's grave's been robbed?
And the body's been stolen?
Huh?
Who'd do such a thing?
Report, sir, it just happened two hours
ago and now we're looking for the culprit.
(sneezes)
That happened two hours ago?
And you've only reported it now?
And you still haven't found the culprit in two hours?
What do I pay you people money for?
Not to mess around!
(sneezes)
I will now give you two hours, you hear?
You find me the culprit and recover my concubine's body.
You're a bunch of idiots.
You're all good for nothing fools!
Adjutant, you did a very good job.
(sighs)
(chuckling)
Hey, so what do we do now?
Oh, I already ordered all the men
to scour the whole city and we'll
lay ambushes and with coordination.
This time I will lead personally.
We'll start with this hotel right now.
Search!
Yes, Marshal!
(idle chatter) (dramatic music)
Come on, spread 'em, spread 'em.
You talking about that... (mumbles) Marshal?
That's right, we were lucky.
We managed to get him drunk so he
still hasn't found out about it yet.
Then you better leave this place
and run as far away as possible.
I wanted to leave here, but Tai-Fa stopped me.
Oh?
Why did you stop him?
Teacher, if he goes away, then we'll take the blame.
I'm not leaving here now.
We'll all die together.
What do we do now?
What can we do?
We all run for our lives as far as possible.
Now be careful, you must keep her covered
and keep her out of sight, when we reach
the lobby we'll run as fast as we can.
[Soldier] Come on out of there.
[Soldier Two] Come on, move!
[Soldierer] Come on, come on, come on, quick!
Move it!
[Soldier Two] Let's go!
Hsi-Wan?
Arrest them!
Right, sir!
Over here, up against the wall!
[Chin] All right.
(footsteps pacing)
So it was you thieves who robbed
my beloved concubine's grave.
Marshal, I won't deny that I did that,
but it will the will of Heaven.
Nonsense!
Adjutant!
Yes.
Shoot him for me.
[Adjutant] Yes.
Marshal, had he known that it was
your beloved concubine's grave,
then you see my lord, he would never
have the guts to rob it, and if he
hadn't gone and dug up her grave,
then your beloved concubine would
still be in the grave now, and if she's
still in the grave now, then no one
would ever know that she could
live again, isn't that right brother?
That's right.
Hmm.
Marshal, I suppose this is God's will.
Perhaps your deep love for her has moved the gods.
Am I right?
(Laughs) You're right, you're right!
(laughing)
You cunning priest, you really got the nerve to
mess around with my most favorite concubine's body.
It's luck I'm a priest and I know
some voodoo magic, otherwise your
concubine wouldn't have survived.
Of course I helped out a lot too you know.
I played an important role in all
this, this one is useless though.
Adjutant.
[Adjutant] Sir.
Go and shoot him.
Marshal, he's a dead man now,
there's no point in wasting a bullet on him.
You're right.
Adjutant, save the bullet.
Yes sir.
Hey, I gather my concubine is still living?
You could say that.
So you don't serve anymore purpose.
Oh?
Don't say that!
She's now half human and half corpse,
only with my teacher's power, and also
my assistance sir, can she be brought
back to normal, is that right teacher?
Mmmm.
Is that right?
It seems so.
Now listen, if you can bring her
back to normal, not only will I spare
your lives, I will reward you handsomely.
[Wei] Thank you, sir!
Hmm?
What's that to do with you?
You damn grave robber, we don't need you in this town!
You're garbage who should be shot!
Adjutant!
[Adjutant] Yes?
Take him out!
[Adjutant] Yes.
Hold it!
Yes, I plead guilty to robbing the grave.
Shooting would be too good a death for me.
I deserve worse, I'll tumble myself to death!
(dramatic orchestral music)
(groaning)
Hsi-Wan!
I'll kill myself!
[Marshal] Hsi-Wan, are you crazy?
I'll kill myself!
Hsi-Wan, stop it!
I'll kill myself, I'll kill myself!
Hsi-Wan!
(coughing)
Marshal, are you okay?
Are you all right?
Oh Marshal.
What's wrong with her?
(coughing)
Marshal, you don't know.
He and your woman are now in one body.
Killing him means killing your concubine.
Huh?
(coughing)
I've seen a lot during my life,
but this is really strange.
Now young man, I'll spare you this time.
Thank you, sir!
Are you hurt?
Just look at the mess you're in.
You're covered in dirt.
Adjutant!
[Adjutant] Sir!
Get a servant to help her change.
[Adjutant] Sir!
(upbeat synthesizer music)
(chuckles)
Huh?
(chuckles) Can you dance young man?
No sir.
But it's easy, let me teach you.
Damn nuisance.
Lift your hand high.
That's right, now turn left.
(chuckles) Correct.
Let's start, back three steps.
That's good, forward three steps.
Splendid!
Okay, now this is for real.
Go back.
(jazzy ballroom dance music)
And turn, turn.
Good, back again.
Right, turn.
Turn again.
Oh good.
Hey, this is great, isn't it?
It's fun, isn't it?
Now turn, turn.
Good, good.
That's good, with the music, good.
Good, oh you're learning.
Turn, good, now again.
Good, and now back again.
Turn, one two three, turn, good.
Very good, and turn.
One two three, one two three, good!
Good, you're learning.
(laughing)
Whoa!
Ahhh!
What the hell was that?
Marshal!
Marshal, are you all right?
Teacher, she collapsed again.
(beeping noises)
Hsi-Wan!
Take her into the room.
Marshal, your concubine has recovered,
you shouldn't have overstrained her like that.
Is she dead again?
Oh no, she passed out due to exhaustion.
I'll perform rites and she'll be all right.
Master, then please proceed right away.
Mmmm.
Marshal, what's your birth sign?
I'm a tiger.
No wonder.
You're so ferocious and your voice is strong,
the poor girl is so weak she can't take a strong man.
Now when I perform the rites, you must stay away.
It can't be so serious.
Hey, lower your voice.
Please go out, come on, please, outside,
please, quickly, come on, that's right.
Why you fools standing here?
Get out of here!
Shhh.
Lower your voice.
Keep your voice down, go on, get out.
Yes Marshal!
Shhh.
Shhh, go on, get out of here.
What are the two of you standing here for?
- We're watching him, sir. - We're watching him, sir.
You damned idiots, he's a dead man, isn't he?
He's dead and he can't move.
Go get out!
Go on, out!
- Sir. - Sir.
(ominous music)
Teacher, how is it?
Yeah master, how is she?
Louder, I can't hear you.
- We don't wanna scare her. - We don't wanna scare her.
You're both so stupid, I said that
to fool him and you believe me too?
I'm not dumb, teacher.
I thought you could only fool spirits,
I didn't know you could fool men too.
Hey, you asked for this.
That's no way to talk to teacher.
You deserve it.
We're in trouble now and you don't seem to realize it.
(Sighs) It's strange, when I first
felt her pulse it was a bit slow,
but it was 30 counts a minute.
- And now? - Now?
Not even three.
What's that mean?
She'll die soon.
If she dies, we're dead too.
Hey teacher, you said you could revive her.
I was bullshitting.
(dramatic synthesizer music)
Can't you think of a way?
Yeah please, can't you do something?
Only way is to wake her up.
[Tai-Fa] What rubbish, even I know that.
[Wei] We're done for now.
[Chin] The Marshal has so many men, we'd never get away.
Hey, remember, she was resurrected by thunder.
Yes teacher, I know!
She's run out of electricity.
If we charge her up, then she'll survive.
Master, I thought you could
command the wind, rain, and thunder.
I'm no fairy.
Hey!
Teacher, look!
Look at that!
(upbeat jingle)
- Right. - Mmmm.
Hmmm.
Try it.
(electrical surge) Ahhh!
Switch it off, teacher!
Master, maybe she needs different electricity.
Oh this is all beyond my experience.
Well let's take the gamble, huh?
Okay.
All right.
(electrical surge)
[Soldier] What's going on?
[Soldier Two] What is this?
The main fuse has blown!
[Marshal] Well send someone to fix it!
Yes sir!
(soldiers yelling)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Laughs) Lights go off now, the gods are helping me.
Baby, I'm here again.
Have some fresh moonlight.
Look, I've even brought with me my master's
magic mirror to reflect the silvery moon light.
Absorb, absorb, absorb, absorb,
absorb, more, more, it's good for you.
Absorb, absorb.
(dramatic sting)
Shhh.
(military drumming)
(moaning)
Ow!
(ominous music)
300 beats a minute.
- Huh? - Huh?
That's impossible.
I hope I'm mistaken.
Let's have a look.
- Whoa! - Whoa!
She's smiling.
Yeah.
Don't relax yet, maybe that's her last gasp.
- I don't think so. - I don't think so.
(powering down noise)
You hear me?
You really think that's her last breath?
You mustn't die.
This is a crucial time, if you
die now, we'll all be finished.
(knocking)
Master, can I come in now?
- Yeah, sure. - Yeah, sure.
Oh, she looks much better.
Marshal, don't disturb her, she's still
tired, come back later please.
Marshal, it's better that you leave her now.
When she wakes up in a minute,
I'll give her some of my special medicine,
then she'll be completely back to normal.
Okay, okay.
- I'll rely on you at least. - Sure.
(powering off noise)
- She's dead. - She's dead.
Ah, something else, do you have a brother called Wu Hing?
Huh?
He's right outside.
(dramatic sting)
Brother.
So he is your brother.
Untie him.
[Adjutant] Yes.
I'm so sorry, we beat him up.
This man deserves it, he always makes trouble.
Master, I questioned him.
He admitted that he meddled with your corpse.
(muttering)
Tai-Fa!
Just relax, we discovered him in time.
- The woman's dead. - The woman's dead.
Huh?
(growling)
Shoot him!
(gunfire)
(growling)
(whimpering)
Humph.
Stop breathing, everyone!
(raspy breathing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic sting)
Bite him, bite him!
Hey, you don't need to hold your breath now.
That one won't come and bite you.
Huh?
(suspenseful synthesizer music)
Have you considered the consequences?
The consequences are you'll be
homeless and your name will be ruined completely.
Then I'll become very famous and be
known as the top ghost catcher.
(growling)
Tai-Fa, come on, come and give me a hand!
What have you done to this corpse you bastard?
Hey, many people are here today, even the Marshal is here.
If you'll admit in front of everyone, just say that
you're incompetent and I'll tell you what I did.
(growling)
(gunfire)
(suspenseful synthesizer music)
Get him off, get him away, go on.
Ahhh!
(dramatic sting)
(growling)
What a fool you are, don't play hero if you can't make it.
At least I tried.
Okay, I'm incompetent!
Now you hear that?
He's incompetent.
(Laughs) That's right, a man should
be adaptable to the situation, you wouldn't
wanna suffer like that would you now?
That's right.
Hey, I said I'm incompetent, now get him off me!
This is all due to your primping,
you deserve all this, you shouldn't
have put so much cream on your hair.
Stop talking nonsense!
I rubbed your hair cream under the vampire's
nose, that's why he's following you.
You just need to wipe the cream off
his nose, then you'll be off the hook.
You nearly got me killed!
Oh no, God help us.
What's wrong now?
Now the cream is off his nose, so he can smell us!
And then he'll chase us and try to bite us!
(dramatic sting)
(growling)
Stop him, shoot him!
(gunfire)
(growling)
Ahhh!
Come on.
Ahhh!
(soldiers screaming)
(dramatic sting)
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Lie down, lie down! - Lie down!
(growling)
Hey come here.
Hey.
Why do you want us all to lie down?
The vampire can't smell anything below his nose.
If we crouch down, then he won't smell us.
Yeah?
Will that work?
Well I hope so.
Huh?
Ahhh!
(dramatic sting)
(screaming)
Marshal, you've got to do something.
If you don't fix this smelly thing, then
your reputation will be completely ruined.
Hmmm?
What would you do then?
Hey, you resurrected this corpse.
He did?
Marshal, killing him won't help anything,
so let him fix it to atone for his crime.
So what's our next move then?
Use men as bait to lure the vampire
down here, but we need someone who
is very fast and very intelligent.
Hey you two, come here.
(Laughs) Yes, that's right,
young men are much quicker and
their minds are sharp, you are smart.
Marshal, I'm very dumb.
A clever man is usually one who claims to be dumb.
Marshal, I'm very smart.
Only a very smart man would claim to be smart.
The both of you may look a bit
dumb, but you're not dumb at all.
Get up there.
Go on.
Marshal, please give the orders
for your soldiers to leave here
so my brother and I can perform the rites.
When that smelly comes down, with our
powers combined together, we can overcome him.
Do you think these two guys can do it?
If they were really good it
wouldn't be so messy, now would it?
Right!
We'll use the same operation that I
used to catch the notorious hill bandit.
The multi-crossroad tactic.
We'll catch that vampire, we will hang
the vampire up for three days and nights.
This operation is military.
First squadron, prepare a large number of strong ropes.
[Soldiers] Sir!
(upbeat marching band music)
Adjutant!
Sir!
Go back and get my special gun for me.
Yes sir!
Humph!
(dramatic orchestral music)
Let's go.
Look, he's coming.
Why doesn't he come over?
I suppose he's gotta be too far
away from us, so he can't smell us.
You undress and lure him over here.
Hey that's a good idea.
What do you mean?
Why should I do everything you say?
You go on and do it!
You have better skin and a better figure,
and you move faster than me, you have a
stronger smell too, you got BO, you do it!
All right, I will.
You haven't undressed.
Go on.
Go to him.
Go on, go.
Come over here.
Come over to me.
Come over to me now!
Taste me!
Can't you smell me?
Get closer, he can't smell you yet!
Get closer!
(growling)
(screaming)
Run!
(suspenseful synthesizer music)
Ahhh!
He's coming down, undress!
[Soldiers] Sir!
What are you doing there?
Get him down here quick!
He'll be here soon.
Stand by.
Boys, stand by.
(growling)
(whimpering)
(gunshot)
(growling)
(uplifting synthesizer music)
Hang him up!
[Soldier] Watch out!
[Marshal] Help, help me!
Get him off me!
Pull him off!
Pull him off, pull him off, help me!
(growling)
Let him down!
Help!
Get him off me, get him off!
Get him off!
Ahhh!
Hang him up top, hang him up top!
Pull, pull, pull!
(growling)
(clock bell rings)
Six o'clock, it's dawn.
Hey, let's break the window, let the sunlight kill him!
Break the window!
(glass shatters)
It's still dark.
The clock's too fast.
Huh?
Goddamn clock!
Goddamn stupid clock!
(electrical surge) (pained growling)
Calm down!
Calm down, calm down, don't run!
(growling)
(military drumming)
Holy smokes!
Report sir, we brought your special gun.
Now fire!
(loud explosion)
Humph.
- Thank heaven. - Thank heaven.
Now we finally fixed the vampire, you can
devote your time to treating my concubine.
- Of course. - Of course.
Good, let's see her now.
Run!
(gentle saxophone music)